I have trauma. It’s not a thing I initially planned to share on here, but a thing that I’ve recently found myself compelled to discuss. Something terrible happened to me many moons ago, and while it did not occupy my everyday thoughts, it planted roots in my subconscious and silently grew.

Over the years, it bled into the many parts of me. It manifested itself in heightened emotional responses. It poisoned my perception of self-worth and embedded itself in my thoughts, cementing a new normal. It chipped away at me from the inside. Little pieces at first, so small that I didn’t notice, but overtime it made my once tall being, small. Piece by piece it took, until there was nothing left for it to take.

While on my journey to process my trauma, it has occurred to me, that like I once did, many people suffer from trauma and do not realise it; trauma being any experience that overwhelms one’s thoughts, emotions or body. It’s very personal in that how you remember and experience an event can be very different to how someone else remembers and is impacted by it. The key to understanding it therefore, is in acknowledging that it’s not about what you experience, but how you experience it.

Trauma is caused when one experiences a traumatic event, that being something that causes physical, emotional, spiritual or psychological harm. It can be the result of either a singular or series of events that are marked by a sense of horror or helplessness. They come in many shapes and sizes: emotional, domestic or racial abuse, sexual violence, witnessing violence, death of a loved one, illness, severe injury or the threat of serious injury or death.

Unfortunately, traumatic events are a near-ubiquitous human experience. A World Mental Health survey, conducted in 24 countries, found that over 70% of its respondents had experienced at least one traumatic event, while 30.5% had experienced four or more in their lifetime.

It’s common for those who are exposed to trauma to develop trauma responses as a way of coping or protecting themselves when they are triggered, i.e. when something they experience either consciously or subconsciously reminds them of said event. These are known as the four F’s of trauma.

The first is fight, when one protects themselves by responding to any perceived threat aggressively.  It not only encompasses actual physical and verbal aggression, but any action in which one stands up to a threat to negate it.

The second is flight, when one protects themselves by escaping. This can be done in both the literal form, physically removing yourself or avoiding certain situations and spaces, or a more figurative one, avoiding conflict or using work or hobbies to fend off feelings of anxiety and fear.

Then there is the freeze response, in which one becomes the proverbial deer in the headlights. It serves as a stalling tactic while our brains decipher whether to fight or flight. Some experts argue that it always takes place first and that those who deem neither fight nor flight to be feasible will then develop a ‘flop’ response: when the body goes limp, they dissociate or faint as a way of reducing the amount of trauma that they’re experiencing.

The fourth and final F is the fawn response. It’s when one seeks to protect themselves through placation. This can look like over apologising to others, neglecting one’s needs and a difficulty saying no or setting boundaries and avoiding sharing one’s thoughts.

While the four F’s serve as survival techniques that help when trying to cope with triggers, it’s important to decondition oneself from those responses and find ways of processing trauma, so that we may undo its toxic foundations and build healthier ones in their place.

On this journey, I’ve found it helpful journaling, meditating, praying and going to therapy, which I understand is a privilege, but something I truly believe that we all need. Trauma or not, everyone should go to therapy.

I’ve also found it helpful learning more about what trauma is so I can understand how it impacts me, though admittedly I’ve only just scratched the surface. It’s helped in the unlearning of behaviours that I developed as a way of surviving. It’s also helped me accept that I have it, where the denial stage of grief had me in a chokehold, but at last I’ve reached acceptance.

I have trauma. It’s a truth I wish I didn’t have, tea I wish was not mine to spill, but it is. It’s a reality for a lot of us, whether we fully realise it or not. And it is only by discussing it, by becoming more aware of what trauma is and what it looks like to you, that we can begin to take back the pieces that it once upon a time took.

And on that note. *Sips Tea*

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