Check your surroundings, share your location, put your keys between your fist and clench. Wear bright clothing, walk on the main road and remember to stay on the phone. If you hear footsteps be ready to run. Shout ‘fire’ not ‘rape’ so help is more likely to come. And if he catches you, get a good look at his face. I know you’ll be scared, but take note of this place. And should the worst occur, just let it happen. If you lay still he’s less likely to kill.

And should you make it out of this alive, you’ll need to ID him and it will be hard because you’ll want to forget him. You’ll likely be scarred, but at least you’re alive, so count your blessings because some of us die.

But calm down now love, your imagination is going too far, it’s just a walk home, a short stretch to your car. Your fear is too much, you’re a Woman fully grown, so tell me, why are you so afraid of walking alone?

I had a panic attack the day they announced that they had found Sarah Everard’s remains. I’d sat down to begin my daily meditation when I felt it coming; sure that I would gradually calm the feeling with each breath. But instead, I sat with my legs crossed and hands shaking in my lap; my heart feeling like it was going to rip through my throat. I felt sick, my stomach was churning and sore. I sobbed through deep breaths; hysteria coming and going in waves. I did this for 30 minutes, but it felt like days; the sun rising and setting with each shuddered breath.

I hadn’t had a panic attack in years and amid my uncontrollable anxiety I wondered aloud ‘why?’. Though the answer was immediately clear. It was fear; once dormant in my chest, now realised and tearing through my lungs.

You see, the day Sarah Everard’s body was found was the day that I truly understood that I am always afraid. Though, I don’t tend to feel like I am because the behaviours that I carry out when I’m alone outside are engrained. They are instincts triggered by the cover of darkness. Without a second thought, I prepare to activate my fight or flight response; frantically whipping my head from side to side, taking note of my surroundings or passers-by.

Is he getting too close?

Should I cross the road?

God, I pray he just walks past and ignores me.

It’s an ongoing cycle in my mind and I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that I’m tired. It’s exhausting being afraid all the time. Though, it’s not just the fearful routine that tires me. The naysayers who argue that this anxiety is irrational have also taken their toll. It’s their gaslighting and minimising of our pain despite our worst fears being materialised routinely throughout our lives.

“It is thankfully incredibly rare for a Woman to be abducted from our streets.“

–  Cressida Dick, the Met Commissioner.

I won’t lie, the statement above infuriated me, because not only was it false reassurance, but it’s a falsehood that came from the mouth of another Woman. Someone who arguably ought to understand this weight. We Women know that abduction and murder are on the worst end of the spectrum, but we also know that there are many other violent things to fear.

As a Woman, my worst fear as I walk home is not that I will be kidnapped and killed. It is that I will be sexually assaulted. It is that I will have to live with that violent memory. It is that when I speak my truth no one will hear me. It is that because of the colour of my skin people will disregard the scars on my body, because that’s another thing – while this case has highlighted violence against Women, very few people are discussing the kind of Woman we concern over.

The reality is, not every Woman that goes missing is a Sarah Everard and not every case is treated with the same importance. If you’re a Blessing Olusegun, Nicole Smallman or Bibaa Henry then there’s a high chance you’ll be disregarded. Your family and friends; the only ones who know your name and chant it in the hopes that your case gets the same attention, but it rarely ever does. I know it’s a difficult reality to face, but the only difference between Sarah Everard and these Women is race. And we’re not talking about that enough. We Women are all equal, we are all important and we all deserve the same time, effort and compassion. That includes Women with disabilities, Women who are trans, homeless, immigrants and sex workers. We all deserve to live a life without fear.

Already, the conversation is dying down and social media has swiftly moved on. But I haven’t. I can’t. I’m still afraid when I walk alone at night. I still wonder each time if this is the day that I or someone I know won’t make it home. And I’m exhausted. This fear that I carry is a burden and sometimes its weight makes it hard to breathe. So yeah, the day they announced that they had found Sarah Everard’s remains, I had a panic attack. The thin veil between my composure and overwhelming anxiety fell and to be honest with you, I’ve been struggling to pin it back up ever since. *Sips Tea*

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