“I’ll tell you what freedom is to me. No fear”

– Nina Simone

If you were to ask me what I was afraid of a year and a half ago, I probably would have said nothing… Okay, that’s a lie; I would have said spiders. I’m absolutely terrified of those eight-legged beasts. But outside of that, there really was very little that I consciously feared. And yet, come the end of 2019, the most appropriate New Year’s resolution I could think of was ‘to be fearless’.

31st December 2019

 “This year I only have one New Year’s Resolution and that is to be fearless. To not be afraid of that which is unsaid; to speak the words I struggle to find; to express the emotion that brings discomfort and to bask in the moments that make me want to cower away.”

At the turn of the decade, I found myself looking back over the past 10 years; noting where I had started and just how far I’d come. And my my, had I come far. I’d overcome a whole host of mental health issues, graduated university twice, found love and lost it, found faith and kept it, said goodbye to loved ones and gained some real ones, got my first job, turned 25, became an aunt and fell in love with myself in a way that I didn’t believe was even possible. Self-love, I tell you, it honestly changes the game.

As I sat there reminiscing on all that I’d achieved in the past decade, I also noted the things that I’d lost out on; the opportunities and experiences that I’d missed and the things I didn’t do, say or act on. I thought of them and quietly noted that none of these losses were near misses; they were never due to me giving things my best shot and failing. Rather, they were because I’d never even tried. Instead, I’d catastrophized outcomes and withdrawn myself from races before they’d even begun.

In hindsight, I knew that there was rarely a good enough excuse for such behaviour. However, there was always an excuse; a multitude of reasons why I chose self-pity over action. But as I sat there reflecting, I knew that at the crux of it, my flight not fight response always came down to one thing; fear.

I’m not quite sure of when it fully engulfed me, but I do know how it started. I once allowed it to make a home out of me, plant seeds and fruitfully grow within me; its weeds killing my garden of confidence and belief until all that was left in my Eden was fear.

Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of the unknown.

“Fear is a crippling spine, an enemy of progress and prosperity. Fear is what enables you to be your own worst enemy; the obstacle in your own life.”

Now when I say fear, I don’t mean it in the ‘boo, I scared you’ sense, nor was it the kind of feeling that bubbled just under the surface. It was more subtle than that. You could almost miss it, because it didn’t look like hysteria or shaking hands, nor did it look like panic or worry on my face. Instead, it looked like not applying for a particular job or shying away from pursuing a dream. It looked like downplaying my passions or neglecting my hobbies. It made itself known in my awkward responses to compliments or refusal to make the first move. It stood proud as I covered my natural hair or hid half my face in a photo. And held firm in my refusal to wear certain clothes and hide my body from view.

You could almost miss it, because it wasn’t loud or outspoken and you rarely recognised it in my eyes. But, it was there. A subconscious thought that had clawed its way to the surface; invading my consciousness and holding me captive. It was there; quietly carving out hope and reshaping the mould of my future. Fear was there. And while it had taken me a long time to recognise it, the decision to overcome it had been swift and merciless. 

“The fear of loss prevents us from stepping into the ring, but without a fight, there can be no victory”

As 2019 rounded to its end, I realised that I had some digging to do; some trees to uproot. And so, came my New Year’s resolution. But not just for the year, for the decade. Call it a New Decade’s Resolution: Do the things that scare you. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Too often fear is the reason for our losses, both known and unknown. We’re afraid we won’t get the job so we don’t apply. We’re afraid we’re going to fail so we don’t take the risk. We’re afraid our time has passed so we don’t chase our dreams. We’re afraid people won’t like us so we just don’t put ourselves out there.

For too long the fear of loss overwhelmed me, but that all came to an end the day I finally registered these three things on a deep level: 1) failure is a natural part of life and it is through our failures that we grow. 2) Take the risk, because you never know, something amazing might just come out of it. And 3) You can’t win the race if you don’t start in the first place, so ‘hop in the car and let’s Lewis Hamilton this bitch’.

My quest to conquer my fears covers anything and everything. It doesn’t matter how big or small the anxiety is; if it sparks doubt, I make it my mission to inspire confidence. In 2020, my quest to overcome enabled me to start new projects and gave me the confidence to wear my natural hair out for the first time in years – which, I’ll have you know, is quite the big deal. I’ve even included the pesky eight legged beasts in my goals. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I believe that spiders are an abomination and the mere sight of them crawling literally makes me want to hurl. And so, in a bid to vanquish this basic bitch fear, I’ve pledged that by the end of this decade I will have held a tarantula… Please note: on this day, pigs may also be flying.

Now I must admit, it’s not been easy and I don’t doubt it’ll get harder this year the deeper I dig into my fears and insecurities, but what I will say is that thus far, it has been an incredibly rewarding and liberating journey. And I therefore highly recommend it.

So, if you’re looking for an extra new year’s resolution, here it is: 2021 – Feel the fear and do it anyway. Challenge each anxiety, take it head on and believe you’re going to succeed or overcome that which has hindered you for far too long. Challenge them and continue to apply the same amount of enthusiasm to each task and each scenario, even if things don’t always play out in the way in which you hoped. Not everything that we want is meant for us. However, every experience and challenge that we choose to conquer comes with a lesson that is.

So, what are you waiting for? Get in the car!

But, before your drive off, Happy New Year Friend *Sips Tea*