It feels like falling. Like the earth beneath my feet has given way and I’m plummeting from a great height. But there is no end to my decent. I see no ground below me. And so, a perpetual state of rollercoaster jitters I endure.

Butterflies.

When you’re excited, they call them butterflies, but it’s funny how close to panic excitement feels when you’re on the edge. Funny how thin the veil between exhilaration and dread is. It feels like butterflies, but not a gentle flutter. More like my stomach was once a cage filled with cocooned caterpillars that have since burst open in time for their rebirth.

There are dozens of frantic fluttering butterflies desperate for escape from my insides and no matter how hard I try, I cannot sooth them.

Tell me, how does one reason with a butterfly? Speak its language and tell it to be calm, whisper gently in its ear that it need not fear or take to the skies. How does one communicate to a butterfly that you mean it no harm and that the safety it seeks can be found in the palms of your hands? Safety that could be theirs if only it would choose to land.

Anxiety.

It can feel like an out of control kaleidoscope of butterflies.

The first time I had a panic attack, I was 16 years old. I was in a maths class when the flutters began; a sensation which resulted in my chest frantically rising and falling as I struggled to catch my breath. I remember the whole class went silent; their eyes burning holes through my body as they watched me spontaneously combust into tears.

My teacher froze.

Evidently, this was a first for him too as it was clear from his stance that he had no idea what to do or say. But then again, who could blame him? He’d just been minding his own business, teaching us the cosine rule or whatever it is that they teach you in GCSE maths and then boom: cue a Michael Bay sized explosion in the shape of a randomly hyperventilating and hysterical teenaged girl.

Every male teacher’s worst nightmare. We had that in common, because it was mine too.

It was as if I’d lost all control. Suddenly this body wasn’t mine, these tears weren’t mine and everything that was left of me was unravelling. My being melting under the laser beam focus of my entire class, whose gaze only made things worse.

I was spiralling, and I continued to do so until eventually, I was escorted from the classroom and allowed a moment to calm myself outside. After which, the tears and hysteria dissipated nearly as quickly as they had first emerged.

I don’t tend to think of myself as an anxious person. Though, I admittedly have experienced anxiety to a point of total consumption. It’s a horrendous sensation. A constant feeling of being ‘on edge’, heart palpitations, trembling, nausea, insomnia and more. And while it is not eternal, when the butterflies do take flight, it feels never ending. As if their wings could wave in the wind until the end of time.

Dread.

Anxiety, for the most part, isn’t panic, hyperventilation and a tear soaked face. Rather it’s the experience of prolonged dread. That quiet fluttering in the pit of your stomach that can last days, weeks or months if you’re not mindful.

I’ve been talking to a few friends about it recently and it occurred to me that a lot of us are walking around with cocoons caged within the walls of our stomach and trying desperately not to crack them open. And yet, we walk past each other every day thinking that we’re alone in this feeling.

And so, I guess this week I wanted to share so I could let whoever it is out there that needs to know; you’re not alone. We’re all in the trenches together, dodging those invisible bullets, only anxiety is the most common one to be struck by.

It’s the body’s response to stress and so it was unsurprising to me when I learnt that most of us will, at some point in our lives, experience it.

It’s the lead cause of many mental health issues: generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder and mixed depression and anxiety, just to name a few.

It’s a symptom of many mental health conditions, such as OCD, body dysmorphia and individual phobias.

It’s also a by-product of everyday life: health anxiety, work, school and exam stress, covid (big one), lockdown (huge!), the state of our economy, oh and our government (but, let’s not get started on that one).

My point is, even though it feels so abnormal when you have it, anxiety is such a normal thing to experience. It can be debilitating when ignored, but that’s why it’s so important to address.

So yeah, dread, we all get it, though admittedly to varying degrees. But as I’ve said, we should be more open about it and not just brush past it when we feel it. Least we all spontaneously combust in the middle of Boots while waiting for the pharmacist to give us our prescription – and yeah, I was that guy. I know, tragic.

We all get it, but take comfort in knowing that it will not last. The kaleidoscope of butterflies will land and luckily, there are various methods to help reduce sensations of angst while you wait for this to happen.

My personal favourite is meditation. It’s a great way to become more mindful, where mindfulness tunes us into the present moment; to our thoughts, emotions and the world around us. Which in turn, helps improve our mental wellbeing.

Now I admit it does take some patience, but the money I spent subscribing to the Calm app was honestly the best £30 I spent the year I got it. Between Tamara Levitt’s dulcet tones in the Daily Calm and Matthew McConaughey’s soothing voice in his Wonder sleep story, I’m happy to say that the butterflies finally spend more time at rest than they do in the sky. Though, the Calm app is not the only one of its kind out there.

As recommended by mindful.org, Insight Timer, Smiling Mind and UCLA Mindful are three mindfulness apps worthy of your attention. Locked and loaded with talks, podcasts, meditations for daily life and sleep, each app is not only a great way to begin your mindfulness practice, but are also free of cost. So, why not?

Meditation aside, I’d also recommend daily walks and exercise, though not just in your house or at the gym –  go catch that sun and soak in that vitamin D. Soothing music and a bath; The Crimson Wing: Mystery of the Flamingos by The Cinematic Orchestra is an amazing album and you can thank me later. Trash TV is a beautiful mind numbing tool. A technological cleanse because social media can miss you for a day and no one needs to be on their phone that much. Oh, and of course, my number one prescription, talking about it.

Remember, a problem shared is a problem half solved.

Anyway, that’s enough plugs for one day. Just remember; you’re not on your own friend.

Anxiety can be isolating and make you feel like you’re losing control, but remember, no matter how never ending the spiral may feel, the butterflies will land.

As my father always used to say: ‘what flies must land’.

So, the next time you feel them begin to flutter, remind yourself; the anxiety will not last forever, the kaleidoscope will settle.

And if they don’t… well, the vast majority of butterfly species only live for a week or two anyway; so, land or die butterfly, land or die. Either way, we’ll make it through. *Sips Tea*

(Photo by Deeana Creates from Pexels)